English as She is Spoke: The New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English

What happens when someone who doesn't speak English attempts to write a Portuguese-English phrasebook? THIS is what happens.

"Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect." Mark Twain

"[T]he second chapter is titled 'Familiar Phrases,' and features sentences intended to help the weary Portuguese traveler in everyday conversation. These phrases include classics like 'He has spit in my coat'; 'take that boy and whip him to much'; and the oft-used 'these apricots and these peaches make me and to come water in mouth.' Tucker Leighty-Phillips, Atlas Obscura

"[T]he book migrated to literary circles in London, where it became the Victorian equivalent of a viral video. Friends passed it to friends who giggled over even then unintentionally sexual phrases such as, 'He do the devil at four.' Mike Drucker, Splitsider

"Is there anything in conventional English which could equal the vividness of 'to craunch a marmoset'?" Stephen Pile

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