Musings Of A Conflicted Mind

Musings of a Conflicted Mind, examines the full range of my kaleidoscopic existence. My childhood was perniciously influenced by learning disabilities, physical and psychological abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, sex addiction, and mental illness. In the mist of my turbulent childhood, I experienced acts of love and kindness from the person who beat me violently, when the stress of being black in America was more than he could bear. The mixed messages of love and trauma, which were directed at me by my father, caused me to succumb to dysfunctional fear, shame and guilt. The emotional and psychological dissonance I experienced during this phase of my life, forced me to find ways to escape from my unbearable existence. My pubescent hard penis, and drugs and alcohol, became a magic elixir that allowed me to live in a fictitious world of my choosing.

My teenage years, and portions of my adult life, were besieged by violence, sex addiction, illiteracy, mental illness, and drug and alcohol abuse. However, these struggles didn't defeat me. Witnessed by the fact that I became self-educated, and went on to enjoy a very successful business career. I also discovered that while my father went too far when disciplining me, it was his teachings and sage advice that kept me alive and out of prison. Getting sober and growing spiritually made life far more manageable. However, dealing with depression and anxiety became a continuous battle. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake the thoughts of worthlessness and self-hatred. These intrusive thoughts most definitely fueled my depression and anxiety, and made intimacy hard to attain.

Black and white racism continuously kept me off balance. It was much easier for me to come to grips with white oppression, than it was to accept that blacks mistreated each other because they were mired in self-hatred. While my black friends and family vociferously denied this claim, their behavior and actions defied their hollow rhetoric. Thus, I found it problematic to understand myself, and the world around me.

In essence, Musings of a Conflicted Mind, unflinchingly describes my challenges, successes, failures, and yearnings to find a peaceful place in our society.

Dettagli