Around the beginning of 2004 the author wrote a series of articles in Catalan related to his self-stimulation practices grouped under the generic title of "Diari d'un vulgar onanista, pinzellades biogrà fiques marranes". He was encouraged by a casual suggestion of a female friend who, apparently, enjoyed the dirty (funny) stories the guy told anyone without filter or embarrassment. This is the translation into English of such essays.